We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need to sanitize my soul.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
