I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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