My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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