i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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