Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
