sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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