Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
