Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
