I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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