You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
