I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
