you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
