So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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