Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
