she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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