Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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