Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
