the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
