ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
