If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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