The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wear drunk well.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
