Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
