You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
