Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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