Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
