So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
