Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
