ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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