She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
