I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
