my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
