I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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