My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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