I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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