Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
