the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
