Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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