My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i drank out of a bidet.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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