I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You ruined the universe
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
