would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
