I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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