dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
