Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
