I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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