Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
