Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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