This gyro tastes like lonliness
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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