dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
