Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
