eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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