i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Help. Why am I so naked?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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