I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
