last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
