I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
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You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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