drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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