So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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