Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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